By the way, I have some translation notes for you, DLPB. Take 'em or leave 'em.
1) I didn't grab a screenshot of this like I did for my other notes so this may not be word-for-word, but when you get the Membership Card in Wall Market and then talk to the guy in a suit at the entrance to the Honey Bee Inn, he says something like 'Hey! What's that thing you've got there
in your little, right hand?' I just thought "little, right hand" seemed like odd/clunky phrasing. I couldn't think of a replacement for it off the top of my head though.
2) When you talk to Jessie for the last time on the way up the Sector 7 tower, if you choose "I see," she says "...hehe... The cool ex-Soldier.
Always... I liked that... in you." Gramatically, I think this should be "I always... liked that... in you" or "I always... liked that... about you." Unless there's a particular reason that's not apparent, it seems like odd/stilted phrasing to have "always" be the first word in that sentence followed by the word "I." Nobody would really talk like that, unless you left out the "I," i.e. "Always... liked that... about you."
3) On the top of the tower in Sector 7 right before you fight Leno, Tifa says "Better
sort our equipment before they attack in full force." It would make more sense if it were "better
sort out our equipment before they attack in full force," or even "better
check our equipment before they attack in full force." Unless this is a British/American thing, in which case, would you mind changing it for the American English option?
4) When you go back to Aerith's house after the plate falls, Barrett says to Elmina, "Sorry. Marin's my daughter.
I'm really sorry." He says "sorry" twice, and that makes it seem a little stilted, in my opinion. If he said "I'm sorry. Marin's my daughter. Please forgive me," or something like that, that might be better.
5) I'm not sure if this was an intentional choice, but when Barrett finds Marin upstairs in Aerith's house, he says to Cloud, "If it's Shin-Ra we're up against,
I ain't stayin' here quiet. I'm comin' too!" A better way to phrase that line might just be "I ain't just gonna stay quiet cooped up in here" or something of the like.
That's all for now. I have to say, other than the growing pains of getting used to the new names and terminology (Marin instead of Marlene, etc. etc.), this has been a really pleasant translation to read so far. Way to embarrass the guys who half-assed FF7's original translation over at Square, DLPB