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Off-topic forums => Completely Unrelated => Topic started by: apz freak on 2013-06-23 11:43:04

Title: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-06-23 11:43:04

Far be it right to expound the inner deepest working of my soul to a crowd of people who either don't know who I am or only like me because of APZ Cloud  :P It's only right because it'll make absolutely no sense  :wink:

I just got word that one of my deepest most buried hopes is truly the outcome I've always wanted. Validation for years of emotional pain and unanswered questions. A clear path to that which I desperately desire. A pain that landed me in the hospital once for an under 30 almost heart attack. The solemn trudge of these past few years has aged me rapidly, and wonderfully granted me an earnest humility and sincerity.

I know now what must be done, and I know now how to get there. Hope will guide the way, and the promise of the sunshine I've always sought is enough to sustain me. Even if I never get there... The light it's self is the reward...

One can say... My heart has been made whole again, that or... you know... Unbroken  ;)


"Who cares! Make the darn Cloud already! or Tifa, or Yuffie, or Cait Sith! Everybody's always making dumb Clouds..."

Because I assume there's some of you out there who are ALL-ABOUT the Cait Sith  ;D

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Hellbringer616 on 2013-06-23 14:18:49

Placing my bets on Enrique his lover proposed to him!!!

Nah i'm just kidding, Good to hear that our random outcome came out how you wanted it too :D

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Bosola on 2013-06-23 16:59:26

I've read this four times, and I still have no idea what you're talking about. Are you announcing some kind of Cait Sith field model?

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Tekkie.X on 2013-06-23 17:26:47

Either that or he's found Dog.

I typed that on purpose, shut up, it's a Rise of the Triad joke.

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: xLostWingx on 2013-06-23 19:03:40

He's clearly had a revelation of some great magnitude!  Congrats!  Enjoy the hope, sunshine, and light.  Being made whole again = good;  no more pseudo heart attacks please! 

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-06-24 02:17:37

Thanks guys, no I'm not interested in Cait Sith and no I didn't "Find Gob"

But I'll keep it mysterious  ;)

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: obesebear on 2013-06-24 04:44:00

Quote from: Bosola on 2013-06-23 16:59:26

I've read this four times, and I still have no idea what you're talking about. Are you announcing some kind of Cait Sith field model?

I sure wish we had a way to like posts.

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-06-24 05:38:58

Quote from: Obesebear on 2013-06-24 04:44:00

I sure wish we had a way to like posts.

Word  ;D

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: LeonhartGR on 2013-06-24 11:23:21

You had some heart issues? I wish you are alright...

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-06-25 07:13:20

I did...

I tell you what! My life is a soap opera, and I just have to accept that  8-)

My... "issue" has been buried unresolved for so long. One of those things where everyone in your life immediate shouts "Get Over It" not letting you experience the comfort of consolation. There is no consolation, at least not in this circumstance... I guess when your issue is more of a personal thing where you're co-to-blame and happens 2 days before a tragic family crisis... Well... Nobody cares what YOU have to say or think... Ya know? They only care about what you DO, and whether or not you make others happy.

So it was my task to bring joy when I had none for myself, and I did, while being busy 90 hours a week on little sleep. And nobody cares, nobody patting me on the back, nobody saying "I'm proud of you" or "I'm glad you do this for us", nobody on MY side of this issue. Nope... Just... As long as I don't mention me, everyone's happy. It doesn't matter if I'm happy, just that I smile and joke and play my part. I guess I don't need the acknowledgement at all... But what intrigues me was how little what I felt mattered to anyone. It wasn't about me after all...

But then the family part gets better, and the deep chasm and spread hate of the other issue is still unresolved. What do you do? And you bring it up, just to work it out, and no one wants to listen "Quit throwing yourself a pity party" And it could be said "You have sh*tty friends" But hey... It's all I got! So you never really get the change to "get over it" truly, just bury it deep and hope it doesn't pop up any time soon. Of course, they care about me, but they'd rather I just be "happy", than to find any kind of closure. Which is a wise thing to want, to just be happy regardless of this one thing. And I guess I am. I am happy :) It's just that one thing, a very big part of me.

And while I now have a sort-of consolation about this. After posting this thread I come to find that it is NOT the full resolution I wanted. But still in the right direction. Baby steps, I suppose. Hope.  ;)

One day, I hope. Redemption, forgiveness. Leaving all the guilt and pain behind. That's what I want.  :)

(All with the magical knowledge that nobody really gives a crap what I want inside. Which is why posting here is just as good as talking to my loved ones) No offense :) Just honest.

Nobody cares! Do you care? How could you! You don't even know what I'm talking about!  :evil: But I appreciate any of you who took the time to read these indecipherable ramblings. Thank you

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Kaldarasha on 2013-06-25 10:23:29

Nothing is forever ...

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: nfitc1 on 2013-06-25 11:26:42

Quote from: Obesebear on 2013-06-24 04:44:00

I sure wish we had a way to like posts.

*like*

Closest we're going to get, I guess.

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: LeonhartGR on 2013-06-25 14:52:14

I won't pretend I can sympathize with you mate! Anyone who believes he is is just pretending! The only real thing I can say is that I wish God will take care of you and your family!

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-06-25 14:54:11

Quote from: LeonhartGR on 2013-06-25 14:52:14

I won't pretend I can sympathize with you mate! Anyone who believes he is is just pretending! The only real thing I can say is that I wish God will take care of you and your family!

Thank you sir :)

Quote from: Kaldarasha on 2013-06-25 10:23:29

Nothing is forever ...

Indeed ;) There's hope after all, this could take decades, but I'll be waiting, patiently. Faith

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: xLostWingx on 2013-06-25 19:48:17

Isn't it wonderful that crisis A is always followed by crisis B merely a few days later?  And circumstances X, Y, and Z only serve to further complicate things.

Baby steps, persistence, moving in the right direction, Faith.  "Keeping your head up" Ha, ambiguously described situations generate generic, blanket advice/support statements.

We may all only care as much as random internet people on a modding site can, but I don't think anyone here would tell you to "Get over it" or "Why can't you just be happy APZ!" 

Indecipherable ramblings are fun I think lol.  Good Luck.

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: NxK on 2013-06-25 23:00:19

Of course, I cannot know for sure what exactly you are speaking of but I can relate very well to the general setting of your semi-public confession (except for the close heart attack).
Actually, I had not even heard of you ever before but I frankly feel very sympathetic to your situation.

I wish you the best!

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: sl1982 on 2013-07-08 00:41:31

Quote from: Obesebear on 2013-06-24 04:44:00

I sure wish we had a way to like posts.

Best i can do is a karma system. Turned it on for you

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-07-09 05:05:51

HA ha! You guys are awesome.

I know it sounds all depressing and what-not. It's hard to explain to most folks that I'm a happy guy, I just happen to have this dark cloud that doesn't go away. Yes, I'm a happy guy  ;D And I'm blessed, and I'm lucky.

It's interesting to me that I'm not a black-and-white cartoon character of a man, it's interesting that there's layers to this character I call me. It's a case where my natural neurosis is my saving grace, if life's a story worth telling, then it can't defeat me! I have to keep living it, because it makes the story more interesting.

Seriously guys, in about 50 years I'll write down this weird drama for others to read. It's too good to keep to myself! But for the sake of myself and those I love, I'll save it for now, until the time is right.  ;)

In the meanby, thank you guys for a general air of vague support. I don't need it, but it is appreciated  ;)

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: xLostWingx on 2013-07-09 18:14:31

 :o So the voices give you strength?  Now it all makes sense! lol

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: nfitc1 on 2013-07-09 19:13:17

Quote from: xLostWingx on 2013-07-09 18:14:31

:o So the voices give you strength?  Now it all makes sense! lol

Quote from: Tristan Taylor

My voice gives me super strength! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoYoDcfJLfM)

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-07-10 06:34:52

Quote from: xLostWingx on 2013-07-09 18:14:31

:o So the voices give you strength?  Now it all makes sense! lol

Dude you have no idea ;) Awesome... I laughed out loud

As a teenager I explained myself by assigning different facets of my personality to three characters. James, Rick, and APZ. (Don't ask how that acronym came about) Clearly... APZ is the happy confident lovable goofball... Rick my mischievous arrogant impulsive side. And James my poet, quietly observing with calm acceptance.

(http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i59/apz_freak/182669_156250264428272_6825265_n_zps1ec2bf61.jpg)

I've been drawing these guys for 15 years. lol Yes, the voices give me strength!

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: LeonhartGR on 2013-07-10 09:31:31

Voices of the lifestream... ::)

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Kaldarasha on 2013-07-10 12:29:00

You need to combine them to receive your ultimate form...

(http://imageshack.us/a/img521/4573/ssuv.jpg)

One Winged APZ - the evils new face :P

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: LeonhartGR on 2013-07-10 13:10:09

Hahahahahaha!!! I laughed so hard on this one! I hope APZ do not misconceive the one winged concept to a homosexual reference!  :evil:

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Template on 2013-07-10 13:12:12

Quote from: Kaldarasha on 2013-07-10 12:29:00

One Winged APZ - the evils new face :P

omg... lulz... less ripped dreamy APZ Final Form and more Vincent modeling, go!

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: LeonhartGR on 2013-07-10 13:17:17

[off topic] Happy Bday! Is that your kid in the avatar? [/off topic]

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Timu Sumisu on 2013-07-10 13:19:24

Quote from: apz freak on 2013-07-10 06:34:52

Dude you have no idea ;) Awesome... I laughed out loud

As a teenager I explained myself by assigning different facets of my personality to three characters. James, Rick, and APZ. (Don't ask how that acronym came about) Clearly... APZ is the happy confident lovable goofball... Rick my mischievous arrogant impulsive side. And James my poet, quietly observing with calm acceptance.


I've been drawing these guys for 15 years. lol Yes, the voices give me strength!

Divide and conquer?

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Template on 2013-07-10 13:21:51

Quote from: LeonhartGR on 2013-07-10 13:17:17

[off topic] Happy Bday! Is that your kid in the avatar? [/off topic]

Oh, our Greek friend has mercifully started a new page!

Yah, he just turned 3 yesterday so I was looking back a couple years.  8-) 

Edit: Leo, you're awesome. Thanks very much for the kind wishes and likewise, of course.  :)

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: LeonhartGR on 2013-07-10 13:41:23

Hehe! I wish a healthy and wealthy life from now on!

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Kaldarasha on 2013-07-10 14:08:52

Quote from: Template on 2013-07-10 13:12:12

omg... lulz... less ripped dreamy APZ Final Form and more Vincent modeling, go!

I wish I could, but the laser device of my mouse is brocken.  :'(

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Template on 2013-07-10 14:20:45

Quote from: Kaldarasha on 2013-07-10 14:08:52

I wish I could, but the laser device of my mouse is brocken.  :'(

Quote from: Kaldarasha on 2013-07-10 12:29:00

(http://imageshack.us/a/img521/4573/ssuv.jpg)

Seriously, RedXell, Komp, anyone, send him a mouse as soon as possible. This is worse than Jenova stomping around Munich.

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: xLostWingx on 2013-07-10 17:55:52

apz - Glad I could make you laugh lol; I thought I might have been close!

Kal - Wow...you may have just provided me with enough awesome to last for the rest of the day!  Hilarious.

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-07-11 22:01:28

Quote from: Kaldarasha on 2013-07-10 12:29:00

You need to combine them to receive your ultimate form...

(http://imageshack.us/a/img521/4573/ssuv.jpg)

One Winged APZ - the evils new face :P

HAHAHAHAHA

Man... you just made my day, my week... Possibly my month!

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-07-11 22:15:49

Forget Cloud... I'm doing THIS

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: nfitc1 on 2013-07-12 01:04:24

Quote from: apz freak on 2013-07-11 22:15:49

Forget Cloud... I'm doing THIS

Your avatar always reminds me of Guybrush Threepwood so I want to call this new menace "One 'Brushed Angel". Of course, that's likely not funny to anyone but me. :(

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: xLostWingx on 2013-07-12 01:10:57

Hahahahaa --idk this Threepwood fellow, but I thought I'd join you in your observation-- Haha!  Good one NFITC1!  ::slaps back::

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: Kaldarasha on 2013-07-12 01:12:48

Well, I used mainly the brush tool to paint it....  :-P

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: ZL325 on 2013-07-30 12:59:02

Thats awesome. Lol xD

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: apz freak on 2013-08-27 05:09:42

This is "Completely Unrelated" so...

(http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i59/apz_freak/th_apzrickjames_zps37a85cf8.jpg) (http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i59/apz_freak/apzrickjames_zps37a85cf8.jpg)

I've explained this before right? Can't remember... All you need to know is... I am more than one person crammed into one body  :P

Title: Re: Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)
Post by: LeonhartGR on 2013-08-27 11:48:46

This is the beauty of the human nature. A variation of personalities which compile one.

P.S.: I like your sketching style ;)