I did...
I tell you what! My life is a soap opera, and I just have to accept that
My... "issue" has been buried unresolved for so long. One of those things where everyone in your life immediate shouts "Get Over It" not letting you experience the comfort of consolation. There is no consolation, at least not in this circumstance... I guess when your issue is more of a personal thing where you're co-to-blame and happens 2 days before a tragic family crisis... Well... Nobody cares what YOU have to say or think... Ya know? They only care about what you DO, and whether or not you make others happy.
So it was my task to bring joy when I had none for myself, and I did, while being busy 90 hours a week on little sleep. And nobody cares, nobody patting me on the back, nobody saying "I'm proud of you" or "I'm glad you do this for us", nobody on MY side of this issue. Nope... Just... As long as I don't mention me, everyone's happy. It doesn't matter if I'm happy, just that I smile and joke and play my part. I guess I don't need the acknowledgement at all... But what intrigues me was how little what I felt mattered to anyone. It wasn't about me after all...
But then the family part gets better, and the deep chasm and spread hate of the other issue is still unresolved. What do you do? And you bring it up, just to work it out, and no one wants to listen "Quit throwing yourself a pity party" And it could be said "You have sh*tty friends" But hey... It's all I got! So you never really get the change to "get over it" truly, just bury it deep and hope it doesn't pop up any time soon. Of course, they care about me, but they'd rather I just be "happy", than to find any kind of closure. Which is a wise thing to want, to just be happy regardless of this one thing. And I guess I am. I am happy
It's just that one thing, a very big part of me.
And while I now have a sort-of consolation about this. After posting this thread I come to find that it is NOT the full resolution I wanted. But still in the right direction. Baby steps, I suppose. Hope.
One day, I hope. Redemption, forgiveness. Leaving all the guilt and pain behind. That's what I want.
(All with the magical knowledge that nobody really gives a crap what I want inside. Which is why posting here is just as good as talking to my loved ones) No offense
Just honest.
Nobody cares! Do you care? How could you! You don't even know what I'm talking about!
But I appreciate any of you who took the time to read these indecipherable ramblings. Thank you